The Bargain

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The first thing I noticed about him was his hands – they were so beautiful and elegant, just like the hands of a pianist. I had always pictured him as having claws for fingernails, and arms tight and sinewy so as to firmly grasp the hapless creature that might stray within his reach. Obviously, I was wrong about this, as I was about so many other things.

Looking back, it perplexes me that I was able to make that decision so quickly, in a flash. There was no debate, no hesitation. It was as if time had frozen for that millisecond, and I was struck by the sensation of things that had gone by and things that were about to come. It was not like the detailed and vivid reliving of images from a cinematic reel. Instead I could feel indistinct shadows of past memories engulf me, dowsing me in a wave of nostalgia and melancholia. I would not call it an epiphany, if anything it was the exact opposite. I had lived all that long hoping and trying to believe that the road that I walked on, we walked on, would lead to someplace where there would be a meaning to it all,a place where tunes that were incongruous in this world would harmonize and create a melody. And then I knew that I had nothing to lose, I never had anything to begin with, and I had and will always have nothing to end with. Nothingness would be my constant companion, and in the knowledge of the emptiness that was going to accompany me forever, it did not seem like a bad bargain to give up that part of me that was entwined with my very being .In my mind I equated it to a terminally ill patient seeking euthanasia. I would be giving up something that I will be giving up anyway in due course... or so I thought. 

In the meanwhile, unbeknownst to me, he was observing me. Surely, he must have noticed that my forehead was free of the furrows of worry characteristic of others standing at this threshold. He must have admired my steady gaze, free from fear and apprehension, as it met his. He smiled; his teeth were pearly and white, like teeth from a toothpaste advertisement I inanely thought. As I crossed over from my world to his I felt the countless shadows of past memories whisper urgently to me, warning me that I was about to enter a realm that was governed by a different set of rules. But I firmly shut my ears and walked on towards him. His smile widened as he saw me approaching. Was it mirth or mockery that I saw in his eyes? He stood there patiently, waiting…

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